In The Beginning
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” -John 1:1-5
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations . . . you’re reading my first blog post ever! Let me follow that up by saying how for years I’ve been reluctant to share my writing publicly for different reasons, but mainly because I feared being vulnerable and was worried about how my opinion on specific topics like faith, God and religion might be perceived by those who don’t agree. I have always considered myself an empathetic, loving and respectful person who genuinely cares about other people’s feelings and that hasn’t changed. But what has changed (dramatically I might add) over the last 7+ years is my spiritual life and my conviction to be bold and talk more openly about things that I believe matter has led me to this point. Grungy Deacon is about the transformation that occurred in my heart and soul after the Holy Spirit revealed himself to me and how I learned over time about God’s character and how to trust him, even in suffering. What I refer to as my jagged journey of faith, I discovered that true love requires a choice and inviting Jesus into the grungy mess that is our lives is a decision we all must make. A decision that has eternal consequences.
“When we come to the end of ourselves, we come to the beginning of God!” -Billy Graham
Rewind back to the beginning of 2017 (age 33) and you would have found me three years into my marriage living life in the fast lane. Although I grew up going to church and considered myself a Christian, I honestly had no clue what it really meant to be a follower of Jesus. There’s a solid chance I was either chasing a band somewhere, traveling to a friend’s wedding, hustling at work or doing anything and everything to keep myself busy, comfortable and entertained. At the exact same time however, deep down I felt incomplete and unhappy. My posture towards God was that I wanted nothing to do with him because of the emotional and physical pain I was experiencing (more details in a future blog post), but my circumstances kept getting worse. Life has a way of throwing us curveballs and for me, they were fast and down the middle. At the time I was unemployed, Natalie and I were struggling to find a house and start a family. Also, I had tragically lost one my closest friends a few years prior, an amazing guy named Matt Van Eaton, and I was still in a fierce battle with my grief and starting to get depressed.
In the book “Mere Christianity” written by C.S. Lewis, the famous British atheist turned theologian, he states in chapter 8 that pride is the most dangerous sin. Lewis argues that “it was through pride that the devil became the devil: pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.” Regardless of your religious background and/or beliefs, everyone should read this book and more specifically this chapter. But my reality back then was that I was lost and full of pride! “Screw you God whoever you are, I can do this on my own!” . . . that’s pride. Although I had been baptized as an infant, grew up attending Sunday school and previously accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in 6th grade through a confirmation class, I was spiritually dead and so was my faith. All the exciting concert weekends, fun vacations I was taking, and new friendships being made were great, but I had ironically found myself harboring anger towards God, overwhelmed with questions, stuck in unhealthy cycles of binge drinking and void of any real passion or purpose. When I prayed it was always a selfish and sporadic attempt to ask for things Maddox needed and was transactional at best. During this dark season, my family and incredible wife Natalie kept me sane, but I used to think to myself, “Is this really all there is to life here on Earth? We just eat, work, stress out, travel, party, sleep, exercise and repeat. Really, this is it?”
“The longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your head to your heart.” -Thich Nhat Hanh (Buddhist Monk)
Later that year, everything turned around and only because of Natalie. They say, “your wife’s always right and if she’s not, don’t tell her”, but in this case she was right when she told me I needed to find community. Community for me translated to joining a small group of men at my local church that were in similar stages of life and that’s exactly what I did. A crew of acquaintances (and a few friends) that each desired to learn more about the Bible, Christianity and the person of Jesus. For many consecutive weeks we met, and this was a special time that marked the beginning of my spiritual transformation, but I still hadn’t quite addressed the doubt and pride that remained trapped at the core of my heart.
What happened next would change my life forever and ultimately bring me to my knees. One day I found out about a new 12-week program our church was offering called Alpha and decided to sign up. Alpha appealed to me because it wasn’t just another lengthy sermon series, but instead through group discussion was focused on providing a fresh perspective on some of my big questions like “Who is Jesus?”, “Is the Bible reliable?”, “What about all of the hypocrite Christians?”, “Do all religions lead to the same place?” and “Why does a loving God allow evil, pain and suffering?”. Alpha created a spiritually healthy environment (that I didn’t realize I was seeking) where I could ask fearless questions about anything under the sun, have real conversations about that stuff with trustworthy people and wrestle with the honest answers I was given without feeling judged. There were plenty of times in my group where people disagreed, but that usually led to better dialogues. As the weeks went on, I started to become less angry, bitter and defensive. My “heart of stone” was replaced with a “heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26) and the Holy Spirit slowly began to reveal the truth of God’s word to me again, but this time in a new light. Everything that I had been taught from a very young age all the sudden clicked and I sensed God’s presence taking root in my soul. I caught myself feeling guilty of my past mistakes and the urge to repent (meaning to turn away from sin and turn towards God) of all the ways in which I had fallen short and failed to live up to his perfect standard was palpable. It was in that moment that I finally understood why Jesus had to die and what this passage in the Bible meant:
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Jesus paid the ultimate price for our souls and was crucified on a cross because he loves you and me that much. But remember, God’s standard is perfection and because of sin aka “spiritual cancer” in the world, human beings could never measure up. No amount of good deeds, “clean living” and/or acts of service could ever qualify us to enter into his kingdom on our own. Our debt had to be paid in full and a sacrifice had to be made, but not just any sacrifice . . . the perfect one. Jesus was the spotless lamb that endured a horrible death in our place and “is the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 2) who satisfied the justice of God. Through Jesus’ resurrection, he gives us new life and restored access to our Heavenly Father, if and only if we believe in our hearts that he is the true Son of God. Well, needless to say I now fully believed and chose to accept God’s free gift of grace and salvation. Soon thereafter I felt a heavy urge to follow through on a verse that I had recently read:
“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” -Matthew 6:6
So, one night after Alpha I decided to give it a shot (because I had exhausted trying to figure things out on my own) and after going home, cried out to God in an emotional, tear-filled rant that was probably loaded with cuss words and everything else I had bottled up inside. But that was my heart in that moment and if a relationship is a two-way street that requires communication and getting to know someone, I was letting God know exactly how I felt. A mentor of mine once said that “Prayer is the most important thing Christians can do, but it’s not intended to be a docile exercise, it’s intended to be real.” I took that to mean don’t worry, God can handle whatever I dish out, because well . . . he’s God.
About 3-4 weeks after this prayer something unexplainable happened and all at once. In the same breath, I was offered a great job to work with my younger brother out of nowhere, Natalie told me she was pregnant with our firstborn daughter Lilly and our realtor found us the perfect house off market that we eventually closed on months later. I now don’t believe in coincidences anymore because what I experienced was the power of the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Trinity, actively working in my life. I had become born again (John 3:3)!!! My anger turned into gratitude, my pride turned into humility, my doubt turned into worship, and maybe for the first time ever I felt seen by God. God’s language is love, mercy and grace and he patiently waits for the right opportunity to whisper in our ears and welcome us back home into his loving arms (Luke 15:20). But if we’re too angry to listen, too distracted to care and/or too full of pride to let go and let Jesus take the wheel, we will never get a glimpse of his character and figure out what beautiful life he’s planned for us. Over and over in the Bible we’re told that God is loving, merciful and patient, full of immeasurable grace who eagerly waits for each one of us to respond in faith and ask him back into our hearts. I was a lost sheep that strayed from the flock countless times, but Jesus is the Good Shepherd who pursued me and threw me over his shoulders, laying down his life for mine. When I re-examined all the evidence of the Christian faith it was also then that my doubt decreased, and my faith increased. I heard his voice and made the decision to follow him!
“Jesus answered them, “I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name bear witness about me, but you do not believe because you are not among my sheep. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.” -John 10:25-30
Now I understand the difference between having “head knowledge” vs “heart knowledge”. Which is also why in Spanish there are two different words, “saber” and “conocer”, that mean “to know”. One means to know information about something or how to complete a task, while the other means to know a person, place or thing as familiar and/or intimately. I knew many things about Jesus, but never knew him on a personal level. That all changed! The Bible talks a lot about God knowing our hearts, but I never really believed that until I did a deep dive and compiled a list of all the verses in both testaments. HE LITERALLY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT US AND SEARCHES WHAT IS IN OUR HEARTS!!! Of course he does, right? After all, if he made the heavens and the earth and created us in his image, then of course he knows the hairs on our heads and exactly what we’re feeling and thinking. That fact alone used to make me uncomfortable until I surrendered my life to him. Now I live every day with a deep sense of peace that never existed before because I gave him control.
I’ll leave you with my four favorite verses about God knowing our hearts below and as you go about your week, consider sitting in a quiet place by yourself and praying (in the name of Jesus) for God to reveal himself to you in a new way. Go ahead, give him the good, the bad and the ugly! Life is grungy, jagged and messy. To me personally, the journey of believing in Jesus without seeing him face to face looks like the logo I created. In fact, life as a “believer” is the exact opposite of perfection and being a Christian does not make me better than anyone else or mean that I consider myself more holy, but it means that I openly admit that I can’t do life on my own without God’s help . . . I need Jesus! So, I invite you to come as you are and discover this truth for yourself. What do you have to lose?
“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7
“For the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought.” -1 Chronicles 28:9
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.” -Proverbs 21:2
“And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” -Romans 8:27
